Thus Spake Australopithecus.

2011-10-31T16:00:00.004-04:00

You know what irritates me.
These forensic shows on TV. I mean. I love watching them, don't get me wrong. I mean I even have 3 seasons of Bones on DVD. Of course not, I am joking, I may have torrents but.
Anyhow the thing that bugs me the most is this . Investigators find unknown substance stuck to victims nose hair. 3 hours later techs have carried out "analysis" on the "GC-MS" and will tell you all kinds of things about this previously unknown substance such as its name, billing address, mother's maiden name and social security number.

As someone who has had many sleepless nights developing a method for analysis using a GC-MS. It makes me want to curl up in a fetal position and cry. Here is a small note to those who write these shows.

Dear fornicators.

Do you even know how difficult it is to develop new methods of analysis for known compounds let alone unknown compounds. You could take 6 months varying all kinds of parameters to get the extraction, derivatization , GC-MS operating settings and all that just perfect, and you still will fuck up. There was this funny, charming and handsome researcher who was trying to develop a method to analyze an equally charming substance., who worked for six months on getting this right. He was getting decent recovery for samples of concentration 100 ng/L to 500 ng/L anything above and below..sorry not happening. And note, yes ng nano gram not fucking mg.
Plus very rarely will you find the same chappie in a lab coat that will carry out this analysis, be able to tell you that the maggots you found in the victim's rectum masturbated thrice daily after feeding on flesh(the maggots- not the chap in the ~~straitjacket~~ labcoat) and solve that unfinished theorem left on the murdered physicist's black board and hack into the NSA database all while juggling spent shell casings while bonking the hot waitress from the diner while playing MMORPGs . Scientists aren't supermen. Even if some of us think we are, and wear our underpants over our trousers. We can't do everything. Most of us can barely understand stuff that is out side our fields of specialization. What this does is make people ask us, "Hey! I found this packet of white powder in my house, can you put it in your 'GC-MS' and tell me what it is?". This causes us to have responses like "let me tell you what you can do with this powder, try dissolving it in some alcohol, if it dissolves, inject it into your veins. If you get high...proceed as normal. If you die, my problem is solved". I don't like orange jumpsuits very much.

Thanks.

Signed
Prisoner 56542
Rikers Island.

2011-10-31T10:57:00.000-04:00

The chap who killed Gandhi was a huge asshole, you know.. Nathuram Goatse.

2011-08-02T16:14:00.006-04:00

Right, those of you who know me offline know that I have been the victim of a receding hairline for quite sometime now. Now with economic times (or even mint) being as they are, the "recession" has only worsened. I decided to drastically change my hairstyle

I've had it cut very close and have grown my beard. You know the law of conservation of hair: hair can neither be created nor destroyed, It just moves from your head to all over the rest of your body - anyhow not being a blog dedicated to the whys and wherefores of personal grooming let me proceed to the matter at hand.

So yes the look I was aiming for is the excellent Bob Christo look. For those of you who do not know who the esteemed Mr Christo is, please ~~jump in a dry well~~ err no gentle reader please go now and pay homage to our new overlord..Google.

When the long suffering love of my life, Lucy, took a look at the pictures I uploaded immediately after the haircut.She snorted...no not drugs, get your mind out of the crack house- It was just a normal PG rated snort. Speaking of crack, I used to think, when I was a kid, that a crack whore was a prostitute who was extremely good at what she did, you know like a "crack regiment" or something....I wonder how many crack regiments are posted in Afghanistan - oh wait cocaine doesn't come from poppy. Perhaps from mommy then?

Would you call a person who only has butt sex for a financial consideration, a crack whore?

Anywho, I digress. So Lucy was all like "Bob Christo. You can't even make Rami Reddy on a good day"

Well I guess it is true for filmi henchmen, just as in any other profession. First you start small. Like being a sidekick to a small time eve teaser that harasses the hero's sister, then you move up to larger things like harassing heroines, looking on with a Tharki look on your face as the thakur attempts to outrage the modesty of random village girl, and so on. Then after a process of reviews and appraisals, carried out after each successful heist, robbery, thuggery or rape, you slowly move up the ranks. Until you reach the gold standard of well..err gold smuggler in the Hindi films of the 1970s. You can then chose to diversify your portfolio to drugs, diamonds or even Eastern European dancers who do item numbers in Allu Arjun films. I do not know which is more dangerous to sanity. Of course you could lose it all(money, sanity and self respect) when go down that deadly spiral of importing cheaply made fakes from China - you know Nickey and Robuck shoes, Giovanni musk after shave lotion / battery acid, Kannan cameras, Kashi-o and Trollex watches all sold at the finest shacks in Burma Bazaar, Madras (or to be politically correct - Myanmar Market, Chennai)

Speaking of Mints.

Monday to Friday i steal my neighbor's copy of the Mint. On Saturdays i gloat and savour each issue in a weirdly creepy way. Don't judge me, all I wanted was to lootofy paanch mint ka mazaa.

2011-07-18T21:28:00.000-04:00

In Soviet Russia, all chefs are commis chefs.

2011-05-05T13:27:00.005-04:00

Signs that you are in New Jersey.

1) They play bhangra pop music in strip clubs.
2) you can buy old monk rum, Haywards 5000 beer
3) YOu get pan pasand and Swad at the Indian store, speaking of Pan Pasand, I even saw Archana Joglekar in NJ.
4) Someone fills 'gas' for you. Unilke to the rest of the US (well except Oregon,I think) where you fill your own gas. Mostly desis.

5)Oh and you get junk mail like this.

2011-04-14T16:39:00.002-04:00

Losing my touch.

A new cell was set up by interpol to monitor the illegal spice trade. What is worrying is that the spice and spice powder trade is used as a front to smuggle other types of "powders" if you know what I mean. It became quite famous this cell, I'm sure you've all heard about the Loung arm of the Law!

In other news, Rajnikanth pledged support last week to Anna Hazare, this week pesky overenthu photographers got a picture of him voting, and it was seen that the great man voted for ADMK. From Anna to Amma. Rajni is keeping it all in the family.

2011-03-24T22:56:00.001-04:00

Rajnikanth listened to Rebecca Black's Friday on Tuesday.

2011-03-12T14:18:00.002-05:00

Drunken Conversation. Part 32423.

A: Did you know...Aetna is the goddess of wisdom?
B: Oh I thought it was an Insurance company?
A: Correct. But who ever is the goddess of wisdom...Who is the goddess of Chandamama or even Champak.
B: Chacha Chaudhry!
A: Hey I said goddess.
B: Chacha Chaudhary is a transexual.
A: Then Sabu?
B: Look at him!!! always in leather chaddi and with big ear rings...he has to be gay.
A: That is stereotyping re fucker!! But wait... Sabu is CC's gay lover?
B: Ya! Well if he is transexual, I'm not sure how the gay lover part.....
A: So all the Volcano's "exploding" on Juptier....is that a euphemism for...
B: Yep!
A: Faaaaaaaaarkkkkk.

On a related note, have you seen this?

2011-02-24T13:24:00.016-05:00

Breaking news,

A large grizzly bear was found roaming the streets of Tripoli. Said bear was found to speak! Unfortunately no one could understand the bears deafening cries. However, researchers on board the Greek vessel C.R.V Papadapolus (not to be confused with the Papad police, you know, those working in certain restaurants, who do not give you an extra papad in "plate meals")sailing in the Mediterranean Sea were in an ideal position to listen and record these rantings. They were stunned when they were able to recognize a few English phrases in all the gibberish. Our intrepid reporters listened to this recording and all they could make out were the words, Suppress Oppress and Depress.

Eye witnesses have described this ursine entity to sketch artists who have then created an image of what this entity could look like. Those readers who are currently in the vicinity of North Africa should exercise caution -and wear ear plugs and avoid banana bajji at all costs.

Sources in high places (ie those up a tree hiding from this creature) tell us that this bear like creature could be among the many mercenaries hired by the Qaddafi - the man who put the dick in dic(k)tator to, you guessed it, suppress oppress and depress his subjects.

I didn't know you could suppress, oppress and depress subjects, in school it was the subjects that suppressed oppressed and depressed me. Especially maths.

Other sources tell us that this is a complete lie, this entity is merely a tourist stuck in Libya,who is looking for some food.

Further sources tell us that the entity is merely looking for the editor of a certain Tamil magazine which shall remain nameless. They also tell us that there are WMDs in Iraq and the Yeti married the third cousin of the Abominable snowman (or snowperson to be politically correct, as this post is mainly about politics). As of now this whole thing remains unclear.

Watch this space for more.

An "artist's rendition" of entity is given below.

2011-02-12T03:19:00.001-05:00

Is Gouda cheese popular in Karnataka?

2011-02-12T02:04:00.002-05:00

No more Mubarak allowed in Egypt,

How will they wish each other for Eid?

2011-02-09T20:03:00.001-05:00

A: So wait, what if the girls don't come to your party? It'll be a complete sausage fest!!
B: Yes, indeed the Wurst case scenario.

2010-12-20T15:15:00.004-05:00

Confessions to the Significant Other

A: Err... Lucy, I don't know how to say this to you..umm
Lucy: What? Say na?
A: Err see umm
L: What is it? Are you breaking up with me? Do you have a fetish for farmyard animals,
Did you cheat on me with a bearded female midget?
A: err no, It's far more serious.
L: Bastard, if you don't spit it out I will murder you.
A: Ok. Here goes.deep breath.I have recently become a Ravi Teja fan
L: WTF!NO! This can't be. I wish it had been the bearded midget or something I can deal with. But this, how can you do this to me! Bastard!
A: err. sorry. but while I am confessing, may I also say I am a Balakrishna and Nagarjuna fan as well.
L: Those I can take, but this. How could you....
A: It's not the whole story, I even plan to watch Ravi Teja's forthcoming release first day.
L: Sigh. Na karma!

2010-12-08T22:10:00.001-05:00

Is this what happened to Juulian Assange?

2010-11-19T16:10:00.003-05:00

You know you hang out too much with the liberal arts type when you read metamorphic rocks as metaphoric rocks, and not just once or twice may I add.

The main question is why I'm whiling away my time reading about metamorphic rocks on wikipedia when I should ideally be working.Procrastination. I am so bad, I sometimes even procrastinate, procrastination. To know the secret and to join the endless cycle of "unproducticity" keep reading this blog :P

2010-11-18T23:29:00.002-05:00

So, the other day, an illiterate clown was elected to the Brazilian congress. See this.
Now this is why Brazil will someday overtake the US. Here, where illiterate clowns are elected to congress, no one is surprised. In Brazil, it makes international news.

2010-10-15T11:30:00.001-04:00

Dear James Anderson,

When they said you need to get ready for the Boxing day test, I don't think this is what they meant.

Regards
Australopithecus.

2010-10-07T10:09:00.003-04:00

Sigh. Don't tell me all this "I like it..." business is in aid of breast cancer again.
First there were posts giving information on underwear colour, now this? Firstly, I don't know how it helps raise awareness about breast cancer, piles, genital warts, supernumerary nipple syndrome or whatever anyone is raising awareness about. That is the point,how is being cryptic helping to get the message across? Also, why does breast cancer receive so much footage, not like getting leukemia or lung cancer is any better, is this like an advertising drive? Don't get any of those cancers, those are strictly for the serfs, die like a toff, get XYZ cancer instead.

But seriously, look at the statistics from the WHO website
* lung (1.3 million deaths/year)
* stomach (803 000 deaths)
* colorectal (639 000 deaths)
* liver (610 000 deaths)
* breast (519 000 deaths)

So why do the other cancers not have people running for them, selling pink ribbons, wrist bands and bumper stickers and so on?

Well one could argue , that a large number of Lung cancer cases are preventable, don't smoke -or live in the vicinity of the Panjagutta circle.

Eating more veggies, they say, could reduce incidence of colorectal cancer,

Liver, well nothing much you can do about that I'm thinking, don't sleep with Pamela Anderson for one and don't catch pesky Hepatitis or HPV infections.

More research is required (by me, I mean) but it's probably because breast cancer is easier to detect, and if caught early has high survival rates, in fact 5 year survival rates for people with breast cancer is over 80% among all age groups. However when looking at 10 year survival rates, it depends a lot on the stage it was detected in and so on, but doesn't look too good.

True, breast cancer is no laughing matter, but I still wonder, if updating your facebook status, leads to anything except frustu boys getting cheap thrills.

2010-09-27T18:56:00.003-04:00

What is the song you'd sing after a really shitty end to a relationship
"Pyaar hame kis commode pe le aaya"

2010-09-25T11:41:00.001-04:00

Oh well, that is one sin you might be avoiding.

Seen at a liquor store on Oak Tree Rd. Edison NJ.

2010-09-24T15:16:00.003-04:00

Recycled joke

What do you call a military man who appreciates people's backsides.
A Rear- Admiral.

I would have thought he would have been a Navel man

2010-09-16T14:18:00.001-04:00

If the New York Police Department is the NYPD, the Los Angeles Police Department is the LAPD- Is the Kuala Lumpur Police Department the KLPD?

2010-09-06T17:35:00.009-04:00

Spot Fixing: Surf Excel hain na.

With all these betting and corruption waale shenanigans affecting cricket today, we are lucky to have a great man at the helm of the International Chutiya Council (ICC). Mr. Shared Power, is an expert in such matters, both in corruption and the second C in ICC. In fact some people say he puts the second C in the ICC;also the chutiya in the term Chutiyagiri (No relation to Shri V.V. Giri- it is however debated if one of the Vs stood for Vela in Shri VVG's name*).

Our correspondent Gummidipoondi Gunasekharan **, reports from the press conference, held by SP and other ~~jokers~~ err..people associated with the ICC. Oh and again by SP I meant the hard nosed Mr Power, nothing "Mulayam" about this SP.

Here are a few excerpts from the PC (again not talking about the Home minister, who shares initials with Press Conference, but given that he addresses so many of them, it does make one wonder)

Shared Power and his brother in arms-deals Asif Ali Sardardi release a joint statement, asking the perps why they did not receive a cut from any of this.

Shared Power also declared that ~~foodgrains rotting in godowns~~ players rotting on benches will be redistributed by PDS. In a related incident 3 people were killed in a lathi-charge and related violence in a ration shop in Chinna Chinta Kunta village, Mahbubnagar zilla, AP, after they received Saurabh Tiwari and Ashwin instead of wheat, rice and kerosene.

and finally,

Piles Clarke immediately demanded an inquiry headed by Paul Condom, to search for this seemingly invisible spot, and the location where it was "fixed".

*Again not to confuse with a similarly named "Golden Beach Resort" on the East Coast Road near Chennai. That would be VGP. Also wrt one of the V = Vela theory, it would then explain the day to day job of the President.
** Gummidipoondi always makes me chuckle, to my years it sounds like a possible vernacular term for a disease of the female private parts.

2010-08-30T20:35:00.001-04:00

I don't know about you, but I see a few chinks in their armour.

2010-07-15T16:22:00.000-04:00

Do old Hispanic gentlemen have Señor moments?

2010-07-11T01:18:00.003-04:00

Fuck! It is official. Caffeine does not work very well on me,or maybe I am related to Kumbhakarna. So having procrastinated a lot as usual, I found myself with mountains to move in one night. Now as we do not have a degree in civil engineering,only in rude non engineering fields. Fields are for farmer dudes and those chaps creating database files.So speaking of Civil Engineers, does the Indian Army's Corps of Engineers have Civil Engineers? I know their officers are supposed to be gentlemen, so hence all engineers in the Army are Civil? So if I were serving in the EME...but I digress. Mountains moving and all that.

So yes. lots of work. No time for luxuries like sleep and all and this so what does one do, when one has consumed so much tea, that one could call himself Mr Tea and join the cast of the A-team. Well in such cases one allows oneself to be swayed by marketing hype. So for the first time ever, I went to the gas station, where, when I remarked about the sketchiness of the neighborhood..and the neighbor hoods, the desi gas station dude instilled confidence in me by telling me about the time a couple of years back when one of his employees was shot right outside at around the same time of the night. Ok. Nothing to fear but fear itself right...except double integrals, quantum physics and big black men wielding guns. Right so we get to the gas station and bu ourselves a 5 hour energy shot. Which has caffeine in it apart from a load of other dangerous stuff I am thinking, I didn't look at the back, reading all the crazy shit that goes inside would make me hesitate I thought. I just got home and downed it. So I leaned back in my chair and decided to start work in earnest...and the next thing I know was my house mate making chai early in the morning at 11 AM. Fuck this.

2010-06-21T00:54:00.001-04:00

Random Diatribe.

I am old enough to know now that sometimes, life hands you lemons and then as the old saying goes you can make lemonade – or dishwashing soap, you know, the ones that are made from real lemons (aah, so that’s what happened to the reels from Kambakkt Ishq.) – Whatever floats your boat? That is alright, one generally recovers from such situation and if you are financially inclined (or fiscally fit as they say to retell an old joke or flog a dead horse. Same thing, only different – you don’t have money riding on the old joke for the 4 o’clock race.)

Aside -What time do they audition for the porno films? 4 o’cock. Well the shooting wasn’t till shaft past 6 anyway so there is no need to go off half cocked. If you don’t want to go off half cocked, do not stick your revolver in your waistband. Holsters were invented for reasons other than Clint Eastwood films and Louis L’Amour books you know…we also had Sudden, J.T. Edson and Max Brand. Now do not confuse Holsters and Hollister’s. A holster is something you stick your gun in…you do not want to go anywhere near a Hollister’s especially if you, like me, have the body (or as they say in good old Hyderabad “personality”) of a beached whale.

Anyhow, coming back to life (if some one says Pink Floyd I will do to you what the MNS buggers would like to do to bhaiyyas in Mumbai)

Now I forgot what point I was trying to make with all the economics business, anyhow, back to lemons, Mojitos and all that.
So as the Poojya Pitaji (P.P henceforth or Col. Sahab) once said tough times build character, but…
I don’t want character. I want to be Prem Chopra or Shakti Kapoor, Aaoo.Lalitha. Aaoo.

2010-06-02T02:17:00.002-04:00

From the movie Saali Poori Gharwali

"Pager number?
173314

ek saat teen teen chaudah.

I laughed.

2010-05-27T23:05:00.002-04:00

Rao Bahadur- A Telugu watchman in Kathmandu ?

Speaking of which does Tarla Dalal have a khukri show in Nepal?

2010-05-01T21:32:00.003-04:00

I have recently been informed that there exists a Telugu Association of North Texas- It is popularly referred to as TANTEX

Much hilarity ensued. I was wondering if membership came with free chaddi-banians of bright colour and unreliable elastic, because you see Tantex to me has been and always will be a brand of underwear.
I used to be the not so proud possessor of one numbers of aforementioned ilk. It caused an embarrassing moment once, when the elastic that held up my underwear, as well as the last remaining vestige of my alleged izzat, decided to avail itself of the Voluntary Retirement Scheme (VRS) and stop functioning with immediate effect.

Did I also mention that this was the day i decided to go back to my roots and immerse myself in Tamizh culture by wearing...a veshti. Now gentle reader do you begin to see why I was harping so much on "izzat".

I then declared that this was not possible and due process had to be followed before VRS could be availed of, and in absence of all the requisite procedures, absence from work was illegal as no forms (in triplicate had been submitted [duly attested by gazetted officers]). I had no choice but to enforce ESMA.

Luckily I had a backup, not trusting self's Veshti management skills, I had cheated and had up my sleeve (not literally), the CRPF....err sorry no I meant a belt.
Now this not being outdoors and not in Madras, there was a small matter of adjusting the damned thing....unlike in Chennai, where adjustment of said piece of clothing even on the roadside, will not cause people to faint with shock. So we stole behind nearest available bush (checking of course for friends of the non legged kind and others whom you wouldn't want crawling up your veshti.We, by we I mean err..me, managed to avert catastrophe long enough to get home and change.

2010-04-26T16:04:00.002-04:00

This is something I've been meaning to share for a very long time, I kept forgetting...
but anyway, here you go....

2010-04-22T17:17:00.000-04:00

Do Physicists use Flux soap?

2010-04-21T17:54:00.002-04:00

The perils of living with Daya

2010-04-08T22:25:00.002-04:00

The secret to making excellent Dum biryani is using good quality tobacco.

or Charminar cigarettes if making Hyderabadi dum biriyani.

Or using Miss South Carolina for Dumb biryani for Hannibal Lecter.

2010-04-08T00:06:00.003-04:00

Oh man, when I am procrastinating I usually end up on Youtube, which explains some of the brainchod videos I've been finding. Some of these are below.

NOT SAFE FOR WORK

...or for decent folk, but since you are here, reading this blog, chances are that you are not of the decent persuasion. If somehow you've wandered here by accident dear Hansel and Gretel, the gingerbread house is down the road 4th left third right "Shilton Cafe backside", Narayanaguda X roads, or to visit their other branch 2nd left from Begum Bazaar Chatri, and watch where you drop those bread crumbs, India is full of bhooke nange people if you listen to the gora log in U.S, they will mug you just like on the Brooklyn bound C train, then you will be bhooka nanga.
I digress so back to brainchod video and audio. Here you go:

No 1:

and as the biology fail Tombolla announcer used to call out What babies do Number 2 ..like how does he do?
Oh speaking of doing, next time someone asks me "How do you do?" I am going to reply - I prefer doggie style but my girlfriend prefers reverse cowgirl..so we do like that. I don't want to know how you do, unless you are hot and of the female persuasion, lesbians also welcome.

But here we go.

Kudos to original uploaders.

2010-04-06T11:04:00.004-04:00

Oh man, i just found my new favorite song! Right alongside You are my chicken fry from Rock dancer, Night lovers by bappi and Tella Cheera Kala Katuka from the film Sardar Paparayudu (with NTR and Sridevi).
We now have

2010-03-30T03:57:00.003-04:00

Ricky Martin is gay - DNA proudly announces
Editor sahab. This isn't news it's "olds", people figured that out some 13-14 years ago. Come on what is next, more blindingly obvious Headlines? "Politicians are corrupt", "CEOs are well paid" or even "Piles clinic pamphlets are amusing to read". Who cares if Ricky Martin is gay or not? Apparently to commemorate this event Ricky is rewriting one of his old songs to now bring you "Living Libido loco".

Now that, this item agenda is out of the way, the next item is "Water of the Ganges", no I'm not acting in this new magical film called Sorcar Raj.

Now this Sania Mirza - Shoaib Malik thing. This dude seems to have a thing for Hyderabadi girls or what. Now one good thing about this whole thing is that, she is moving to Dubai (I'm resisting making "Dubai gayo" jokes). Sania Mirza and her irritating voice and accent will no longer grate on Hyderabadi nerves. The sad part is, we will no longer see her other not so grating "Ass"ets (as well as the other things) as often as we'd like to - but good luck to her, with her future husbands track record in various alleged marital matters being somewhat iffy, going by press reports, she needs all the luck that she can get.

2010-03-28T22:02:00.006-04:00

"So Australopithecus" he asked. "What motivates you to get up and jump out of bed every morning?".
Mostly my bladder, sometimes the bowels do it. Oh yes also angry phone calls from my advisor.

Oh and this is what I guzzled the other day!

Do note that it is Tempered over burning witches, People from the SPCW needn't partake.

SPCW = Society for prevention of cruelty to witches - not to be confused with the Lady Gaga fan club.

I forced my friend Firefly to take this picture.

2010-02-20T13:30:00.001-05:00

Reports of Mick Jagger dating Kate Moss are supposedly untrue. As we all know...A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

2010-02-02T18:36:00.002-05:00

I subscribe to this email list where grad students often put up things for sale, rooms to rent and so on. So this email landed in my inbox this morning,

"I am looking to rent out my bathroom. It has a nice sized closet perfect
for one or even two grad students. The price is negotiable."

I can't stop laughing.

Scary thing is- he might actually get some serious offers, especially in this state.

2010-01-31T21:12:00.002-05:00

Saw what an all happened at the Aus v/s Pak game eh? That bugger Afridi bitoff the ball men. God olly knows whatanall he was thinking olly. He misunderstood the term "first bite of the cherry" they are saying it seems.

What men, immediately send off that bloody bugger to Suzie's spoken English classes men. Pakistan don't need a bloomin' cricket coach olly, they need a language coach men - also a bullet proof coach to take them from the airport to their homes an all, otherwise all these roadside buggers will stone em to death men. No other work olly they have.

I 'ope this Afridi's girlfriend doesn't get ideas an all from this men...other wise our fellow will be constantly no-balled.Don't go near Darell Hair and all men, nasty bugger he is. My cousin Kenny is there min in Australia, his neighbor olly he is (Aussies and neighbors go together it seems). Yesterday only he was tellin', that Hair fullo is a useless bugger and all.

2010-01-31T02:16:00.002-05:00

Would you call a really easily satisfied begger a "Chauvanist"? Give him a chauvanni and he will be happy.

2010-01-30T23:20:00.000-05:00

We will rock you!

2010-01-30T17:25:00.002-05:00

Why is Australia full of pricks? It was once a "penal" colony.

2010-01-27T16:49:00.003-05:00

ipad? Really? Do you only use it on certain days of the month? What about men then?

2010-01-26T11:45:00.003-05:00

Man bites dog

Much fun, all those who are still on facebook, pliss to go look.

From there I see this news item with a headline.

Movie Made By Chimpanzees To Air On The BBC (VIDEO)

"Wow!" I said to myself. I often talk to myself, I make very interesting conversation. Also, I'm probably the only one who likes the sound of my voice and can tolerate self for more than 10 minutes.

I digress, so where was I? Yes, I was looking at the headline and saying "Wow!" to myself. It could have been worse, I could have imitated an old Vivek Oberoi - drain cleaner err I meant Vanilla coke advert and said "Wakaoooooooo", I am digressing again.

"Wow!"(the same wow, now with 20% extra xylitol). "I did not know that they showed Salman Khan's movies on the BBC." Then it struck me. It boletho, not Salman Khan, he only goes after Black bucks and other dumb creature like that, which brings us back to Vivek Oberoi. Back to the point now. It struck me that the headline said movies BY chimps- so it might not be Sallu.

Then I got this sinking feeling (just like the captain of the Titanic did), they couldn't mean...no that would be inhuman. The BBC for all its faults, is not that sadistic and cruel...they couldn't be telecasting Ramu ki Aag now could they?

So I clicked on the link with great trepidation, only to find, much to my relief - It was not Ramu or Sallu, but our dear distant cousins who share a lot of things with us, including around 98% genetic matter (wow! they do? Should have let them go and write my genetics exams through undergrad- might have done better,because the papers were usually set by one of their biradari wonly).

This could be dangerous no- Chimpanzees live very exciting lives and they roam about with less clothes than Mallika Sherawt, Throw in an item number or two (not by Jane Goodall pliss) and they might give stiff competition to all of Imran Hashmi's films.
Lord knows, they can act better than he can. Soon we will see chimps taking over from the Hindi film industry and hiring Mahesh Bhatt to be their official spokesperson, for obvious reasons. He behaves exactly like a chimp during interviews, scratches here and there and becomes super aggressive suddenly basically like them only fighting for Alpha position.

Soon they may take over our airlines as well, and the airlines will be better managed, slowly this way they spread like some insidious disease and take over the world. You remember Charlton Heston in the Planet of the Apes- our collective batkus will be like that.

Well, by by ours, I mean actually yours, you see an Australopithecus- is halfway between humans and apes. so I'm covered any which way.

2010-01-12T00:29:00.008-05:00

For some strange reason, I've been in the grips of nostalgia for the last few days. Usually I welcome nostalgia...I am all for the "Un dinon mein..."type speeches. This time around it gives me something to think about. In a couple of months it will be 10 years since I wrote my ISC exams. This fact crept up behind me and hit me on the head with a lead pipe, while I was listening to 90s indipop songs on youtube. Heh!

Looking back I feel that those songs weren't that bad, some were quite good in fact. Is that just nostalgia talking or was it because of the subsequent hijacking of indipop by bad bhangra-pop, remix and most importantly titillating videos, that made you yearn for the "good old days". Let me clarify I am all for titillating videos. I used to watch them on mute, to avoid distractions. That method worked for me.

It is also winter. Winter always screws with my head. I always get nostalgic in winter. Of course America winters being much more severe than winters in the desh, the nostalgia is multiplied? Its all to do with hanging around indoors all day. It is not healthy to spend so much of one's time indoors...but when the temperature outside, in Fahrenheit looks like your Maths marks throughout 11th class - you will stay in believe me. When I said "your Maths marks", I meant of course, mine.

More on this later, I have a paper to finish writing, so I need to find another avenue of procrastination. I leave you with something to listen to.

2010-01-09T01:22:00.009-05:00

A few things.

Colours.
WTF. My facebook page has been full of women posting the colours of the bras they are currently wearing. I mean come on! This is bloody unfair. When I asked "excuse pliss sweetie, what colour bra you are wearings?" all I got was one tight slap from girl and a lathi up my you know what from friendly neighborhood policewaala. So that resulted in me being black and blue. Now same "sweeties" are revealing the same bleddy information to all and sundry. Wot it is!!

While recovering from said beating in hospital a very kind young lady in next gurney informed me...well not me, she was telling someone over her posh new droid phone all this while I shamelessly eavesdropped. Apparently 'tis all "in aid of breast cancer" it seems.Before you ask me how publicizing the colour of one's bra is going to help fight breast cancer let me abuse you for being an ignoramus. Do you not know that publicizing one's bra colour will help by...err..err..umm. well. hang on. What is the blooming hurry men?

Anyhow. Changing the subject quickly. I feel women should go one step ahead. They should next post measurements also. Now that would be fun. Those that are economists can have fun calculating the "inflation" of those "figures".Fun with SPSS.

Seriously but, breast cancer is a serious issue. There are several websites that urge people, well mostly those of the female persuasion to carry out self exams such as this one

Well if you do not want to do a self exam, get on public transport in India, and several exams will be done for you free of cost, but results might not be reported in a satisfactory manner.

Men get breast cancer too apparently*, how do we support breast cancer- I meant spreading awareness about it not support it like, oh its an awesome thing everyone should get it at least once (I've had it 5 times myself) Do we go out to the victoria's secret shoroom and pick one up, wear it and then declare to the world on facebook? It will lead to a lot more entertainment.

Now we shall move on to another topic of importance. Testicular and prostate cancer.
Now I suggest that in support of these we should openly declare the colour of our underwear. For instance, tomorrow I will go to the gym wearing a jockstrap that used to be grey in colour, but is not due to various factors (which we shall not mention here,being too numerous and embarrassing to enumerate here)are now of an indeterminate colour that is neither dark nor light.
Comeon men it is time to rally around. It is possible to live without breasts, but think about living without your bollocks...Whassat? You aren't a villager? You don't drive bullocks? What do you drive then a Skoda - LAURA?
That is one interestingly named car, leads to many akward sitations

Memsahib to driver.

M: Driver, Laura nikalo.
Driver: Jo hukum memsahib.
Memsahib faints.

Now that you have recovered from the gut wrenching caused by the thought of living without cojones, let me remind you of it again. What would you do for recreation when watching Shakeela films eh? You will have to donate your porn collection. Your mums will wonder why your showers are so short all of a sudden.
On the other hand, there would be no wars, fights, rapes and such likes -But that is no fun.

So join me in this important cause. Please announce the colour of said piece of undergarment on facebook status, if you prefer going Au naturel, then please mention.

* For men, the lifetime risk of getting breast cancer is about 1/10th of 1% (1 in 1,000). (American Cancer Soc.)
Ok I know that is not a standard format for citation, but you aren't my advisor, so I don't really care...at least I hope you aren't. If you are reading this Dr A, this is not me, it is someone else?
(That should keep the adviser confused for a while)

2009-12-16T23:52:00.003-05:00

Caste division in breweries also?

Hmm, but this beer did get me Iyer than other beers.

a nose by anyother name, would smell just as well.

2009-12-10T14:08:00.008-05:00

To celebrate this great victory, workers of the "victorious" party tried to put up a statue of their (almost late) great leader Sri Hungerstrikepalle Chandrafaker Rao.. The statue was life size and mad from precious metals all in anticipation of the "gains" they would have from the new state.

Unfortunately, the statue was to scale. and Hungerstrikepalle garu - well let us just say ,what the good Lord did not give him in good sense, decency and morals, he compensated in -snout-.What? Do I mean nose? err yes if you insist and threaten to unleash jobless MA in Pol.Sci students from OU on me....nose it is.

Chandrafaker Rao is so well endowed in the olfactory organ category that when he once went snorkeling and scuba diving in the Maldives he required none of the equipment they try to rent you all this air tanks and all that nonsense, He merely stuck his nose up in the air and was able to take deep breaths- from the ionosphere. This way he could also listen to his favorite radio programme on radio mirchi(idi chaala hot guru)- anywhere in the world, and in this case 20,000 leagues under as well. Please do not ask me if those Leagues were A division or B1 Division, I am currently out of touch with local cricketing scene in Hyderabad.

There are downsides of course to be blessed with such a proboscis. you see. The guys spraying the anti-mosquito fumes often mistook him for a mutant giant monster mosquito. They watched too many Japanese monster films for their own good. Taking our subject to be one of those from the Godzilla v/s Mothra stables they would turn the DDT on full blast and spray him with it. Definitely not good for the adenoids.
Also with great nose - comes great smelling power. One way to exact revenge on said subject is to feed the whole lot of those aforementioned OU students a lot of chole and lock them in the same tiny room with faker babu you know a sort of "reward" for their support to the cause. It would also help to turn off water to the hostels for a couple of days so that the students, who usually do not believe in good things like regular showers, would smell specially extra ripe, just for Faker garu.

Aah gentle reader I digress. so Faker's supporters were putting up statues of him. Ok, statues 1 nos wonly.

Due to this overabundant beak of faker garu, the statue kept tipping over and the nose drilling holes into the pavements with better efficiency than the GHMC workers (who at said time were off on chai break.)

So try as they might, they were not able to keep the statue erect. They tried everything, even ozomen and Silk Smitha videos, as they knew these things helped get erections. The Silk Smitha video did not work as another band of students confiscated and burnt said dvds as silk smitha was from Andhra. So said workers went off in search of Telangana porn and purely telangana "sex-workers" while our subject's statue stood in a pose like MJ from smooth criminal. MJ had the opposite problem with his nose, it kept falling off.

In other news, Discos banned in Hyderabad by the "party", due to a rumor was circulated that Disco Shanti was from Andhra. Night life now restricted to getting drunk on cheap booze and doing teen maar dance.

2009-11-29T23:41:00.004-05:00

I listened to Take Five today. You know the one played by the Dave Brubeck Quartet.

Only...

Today I was 6 feet away from Dave Brubeck when they played it!

contentment.

2009-11-01T12:26:00.000-05:00

So do they have a 4th of July in your country?

No we go directly from the 3rd to the 5th.

2009-10-25T22:18:00.006-04:00

Recycling is good for you:

9 out of 10 dwarf eunuchs with diarrhea recommend recycling.

“Recycling makes you feel good – I always recycle my chewing gum wrappers during those 6 hour drives I take on my Humvee”

Chuck Norris recycles.

“You can reuse and recycle anything” says employee at Patel’s Cash & Carry as he picks out used dental floss from a trash can.

On that note, here is something I wrote ages ago. I came up with it in a chat conversation to entertain/ irritate a friend and thought it would look good on the blog...I still think so. So here goes.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Airy-Fairy Tale

Long long ago. In a land far far away, even further than Jhumritallaya. There lived and evil dwarf called Crumpledforeskin. He was the survivor of a circumcision accident. A Jewish moyel had invented this new circumcision machine prototype which drastically malfunctioned,leading to CF's condition and by extension [get it] his name. This also explained his attitude toward life and people in general. He felt that he had been "shortchanged" if you catch my drift. And also he found it difficult to pick up girls- he was too short and they were too heavy. To exact revenge he used to sneak into circumcision ceremonies just as the deed was going to be done he would yell BOO! As the gentle reader can well imagine, this often had tragic outcomes.
But Crumpledforeskin had a special gift. He could see dead people...oops wrong story. No he really did have a gift, his parents gave it to him, for his 12th birthday. It was a BMW M6 convertible. When CF was zooming around in his car, He couldn’t see the road at all, which made life more interesting. If not life, then death at any rate (14% p.a Compounded annually), was now more interesting of course, when the people he crushed under his car went to heaven they felt superior to the lowly ones who had died of common things like STD, Legionary's disease, and Shekhar Suman. For real enjoyment he used to scatter marbles before blind men and exchange the leash of their Seeing Eye dog to a rope tied to the route 45 bus.
He had one more special talent. He could fart on demand. This made him very popular with the renewable energy ministry as a source of biogas. They pleaded with him to help them solve their energy crisis, but CF being evil personified just farted in the energy ministers face and ran away. Well he tried to run at least. But being only about a foot and a half tall (just a little taller than Amir Khan), the Beautiful princess of the kingdom saw him and thought that he was a cockroach. “They” hit him with a rubber chappal by mistake, thinking he was a roach (Periplaneta americana). That was the end of Solomon Grundy..err Crumpledforeskin

2009-10-19T12:17:00.009-04:00

Heard on the bus.

"You know kids shouldn't go trick or treating this Halloween, they should do it the Obama way and stay at home and people will give them candy for their potential to trick or treat."

Don't laugh fuckers, I personally know a good many of you who read this blog. Some of you, on the same token could be facing molestation charges as "Potential to grope air-hostesses on domestic flights"

for those of you who live in a cave have not been following the news here is what happened. Living in a cave also might indicate why not knowing any better, you chanced upon this blog.

Barack O. won the Ghanta- Bhi-Nahin Piss prize, won by those, though not completely full of shit, are not short on other forms of excrement.

Seriously folks, nowadays getting the piss prize seems to be as easy as giving a urine sample (the travails of one such test will be mentioned in another post). All you need to be able to do is to piss in a cup, and the piss prize will be yours.
Mohd. Asif and Shoaib Akhtar seem to me in line.

I wonder who is going to win it next year?

Suleiman Chaosh from Barkas? Venkat Reddy from Vanasthalipuram? Both candidates are old hands at the game, and have pissed on many great monuments starting from the Charminar to Sidhanti women's college (opposite Lamba theatre) And I used the term old hands very carefully, I hope they wash their hands at least before shaking hands with those Scandinavian types, who are handing out the prize.

2009-10-07T14:17:00.001-04:00

I'm sending for an application form right away!!!

I wanting human value education, selerperse (wonly degree)
I also want to introduce smart neat dress smile.
I joining here wonly for brotherhood and sister, and family life in education temple.

Father-mother reminds me of a rajnikanth dialogue form Guru-Sishya.
When Rajni says thats why your fathermother kept that name.

Edit: 10 mins later and I'm still laughing

2009-09-25T19:13:00.000-04:00

2009-09-15T00:38:00.002-04:00

Why I like NJ so much.

Below are two recent purchases made in and around my town.

2009-09-10T15:41:00.001-04:00

The reason I became interested in the Environment?

The LUST Trust Fund

2009-08-22T14:48:00.003-04:00

Trott went at a canter in the end. The English loved it, at least that is what the "Gallop" poll showed.

And now for something completely different.

When someone told me they went to Mt. Titlis. I had a thousand dirt jokes fighting each other to get out.

Samples :
Mt. Titlis was what that rockstar did after Pam Anderson had her implants removed.

I've heard of beastiality, but who would want to mount titlies. Did the same guy get off to the ek titli anek titliya song

more later. I'm off to harass the chap who visited the said natural feature.

2009-08-13T22:21:00.002-04:00

For your viewing pleasure-
From the film Sardar Paparayudu.
NTR must have been close to 60 when this film came out. Sridevi was around ahem 16 or something.

2009-08-10T23:56:00.002-04:00

Apparently Boy George is coming out(what again? he was straight all the time?[Shh..Listen, err, read])
Apparently Boy George is coming out with a parody of the Beatles/GnR hit called Happiness is a warm Bum.

2009-08-08T18:35:00.002-04:00

Were Malcom Marshall and Omar Sheriff related?

2009-08-08T00:03:00.002-04:00

" The chariest maid is prodigal enough,
If she unmask her beauty to the moon: "

Hamlet Act 1; Scene 2.

Boletho?

Mr Mayiladuthurai Seshadri Padhmanabhan (retd. LIC employee): Yit is regarding Mister Chari's (Retd. Manager State Bank) maidservant i say, here the famous Williyam shakespeer takes his name seriously and peers at Mr. Chari's maidservant at night time when she is changing her clothes I say. Very indecent these literature fellows are. That is why I am making my son study Engineering I say!
Mr Chari is happy that he is not looking at Mrs Chari. I say.

Smart Alec: Have you seen Mrs. Chari?

Mr MSP : I catch your point.

2009-07-25T11:36:00.001-04:00

Lord's is not a level playing field.

2009-07-10T23:16:00.003-04:00

A misunderstanding.

Aus: Conductor Lakdi ka pool. Ek.
Conductor: Yeh lo.

pic from here

2009-07-10T14:55:00.001-04:00

Is the movie "The President is coming" about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair?

2009-07-09T00:26:00.005-04:00

Give me puberty or give me death.
or
How I failed the examination.

It was class 11, hormones were in the air. Unfortunately so were other things, those unmentionable things that, in my book*, rank somewhere between the bubonic plague and castration and somewhere above dental extractions (without local anesthesia- kyon ki hum "local" cheez istemaal nahin karte hain). I, am talking about Maths exams.

Now if you are one of those enthu cutlets who says "Hey! exams are fun ya, especially Maths exam bring on the differential equations" or "what's a bit of trigonometry, I model stochastic processes and work on Quantum superposition while i am asleep- When I am awake I don't use sissy tools like computers and so on do perform Monte Carlo analysis- I can do it with pencil and paper.". You sir/madam will be severely beaten with a hawaii chappal, size 10 (India size, USA 11.5 and Europe 45.5), not just for being good at Mathematics, but for merely existing. You sir are a disgrace to the human race, you are not an enthu cutlet- but a chut pakoda.

Back to the mid-late 90's.

tan  had ruined my sleep. It had invaded my dreams, wet or otherwise. I wondered if it were a "sin" to dream about trigonometry that way. It was not so much about me doing nasty things to trigonometry, it was things being the other way around that worried me. That was "cos" I was so bad at it you see. Somehow I did manage to study. I was fairly confident that I would manage to achieve the previously unimaginable 'zenit" of 35%. To butcher a Beatles song- All you need is to pass.
However fate and hormones had other plans in store.

Before going further let me explain the seating arrangements we sat in the made in the assembly hall of the school that allegedly used to double up as the prep room in the old days....much before I was there. The hall was named after one of the old Angrez principals, but that is besides the point. So, we had half the rows of seats (along with tables of course) facing East and half the rows facing West. I was on the last row that was facing east. I could see the faces of all the blokes who were on the last row facing west. Lucky sods weren't taking Maths.

People who know me will tell you that I have a tendency to keep looking "here and there" be it a class, a concert, a play, a cricket match or even an exam. Suddenly my eyes stopped. There- a few rows in front of me was this girl let us call her umm. M. M was kind of hot. She was sitting in a very funny way, I could look up a lot of her skirt, and when she crossed and uncrossed her legs one could see a lot lot more. .There were two of us who chanced on this view at the same time, the other guy was sitting right behind me. Horny 15 year old boys being horny 15 year old boys., our jaws dropped, our tongues hung out and a puddle of drool collected on the floor. M would periodically look up and smile at us louts for some strange reason. Both of us (the guy behind me and yours truly) failed the exam, and were in the race for the bottom of the class.

And that Ladies and Gentlemen was how I failed an examination for the first time. I subsequently got used to it.

* - Book published by S.Chand publishers. S.Chand books for all.

2009-07-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

Andy Rawdick? After almost 4 hours what do you expect?

2009-07-03T11:37:00.002-04:00

Porn on the 4th of July.

Yank my doodle. Dandy.

2009-07-02T16:25:00.004-04:00

This is a song Called Achcha Shirt Siya from the Album Deccani Hits.
Singers Shabbir Dange, Bashakhan Bijapur, Nizam(no not Osman Pasha- Cd cover is damaged where his surname is printed.), Saira Bano, and Mangala. Music : Maruti Mirjkar
Lyrics Shabbir Dange, Bashakhan Bijapur, Nizam

2009-06-30T13:29:00.002-04:00

B: (in fake american accent): Oh our university works on the quarter system, you don't have such ahem. things in India no.
A: (in fake country accent):Aan. Ess. But in our caalezu we have quarter system, morning morning before class we put off one quarter and go sit.

2009-06-28T22:45:00.002-04:00

If you are an Electrical Engineer in the Army, are you soldering and soldiering at the same time?

2009-06-25T20:49:00.003-04:00

You know I'm Bad.

Micheal Jackson died today. I was a great fan when I was a kid, I remember the first tape I ever bought: Well the non Preeti Sagar nursery rhyme kind at least. I wanted to buy MJ's Bad, but my dad who took me to Music Palace on S.D Road (they sold music then) bribed me (by promising to buy me a new "Noddy" book at Book Land [ used to be under Hari Hara Kala Bhavan]) to buy Simon and Garfunkel instead. Knowing which side of my bread was buttered on, I picked S&G (S&G is a whole different post), but I couldn't quite forget BAD so the next time some event came along, I asked for it, Unfortunately, the chaps at the shop had run out of bad (so they didn't have any david hasselhoff tapes either), but sold me a tape that had the best of MJ in it. By this I do not mean the "best" of mj "in it", but you know and I was happy.
When the next album, Dangerous came out,I was thrilled, I went all over Chennai to find it. Some of the videos in this album had basketball players in them. Jam had MJ and Jordan playing basketball. "You remember the time" had Eddie Murphy and Naomi Campbell as well as Magic Johnson in it. This was about the time Magic announced that he was HIV+ve. Who would have thought that he'd outlive MJ.

Alas, it was all downhill after this for MJ. He might have taken these lines from Bad a little too seriously.

"Your Butt Is Mine
Gonna Take You Right
Just Show Your Face
In Broad Daylight"

2009-06-22T05:55:00.002-04:00

Heard recently

Arey What is with this economy- Employees everywhere are getting laid off, except Shiney Ahuja's employees, they are just getting laid.

What is Shiney's sexual orientation
Bai-sexual

2009-06-21T05:49:00.001-04:00

I flew Continental ..but they served Indian food.Also I have "Jet" Lag

2009-06-08T03:26:00.000-04:00

Recycled Post.

Saturday, July 02, 2005
Monsoon.

Aah, I love the rain.Especially when I am nice and dry in my house.I have the same opinion of the cold, the heat, and if there is something I missed out I probably have the same opinion of that as well.
What I do not love is standing at a bus stop waiting for a bus when its pissing rain.Sudden downpour, as if some one pulled the flush lever on a toilet.It leaves the roads slushy, with drains flooding and sewage mixing freely with rain water (rain water and drain water become one.Reminds me of 'Mile sur mera tumhara"or even "Mile sewer mera tumhara" ).Suddenly a bus appears, and in the following riot that ensues, a least four people get pushed into the muck, those are the lucky ones.If you've ever traveled in a jam packed bus in the rain, you will know what I mean. the wonderful mixture of smells that waft your way are the least of your problems, the most annoying thing is the drops of water leaking from the roof that fall on the most uncomfortable of places..like a Chinese water drip torture. one can almost imagine Fu-Manchu laughing and rubbing his hands together with relish (why not mayonnaise asks my mother.Now you can see Mendel had a point.).So,if you are one of those who says "I love the rains" you should probably take a trip in an overcrowded APSRTC bus,that should prove to be an interesting experience.

2009-06-03T06:04:00.001-04:00

Beta testing is when your son writes his exams?

2009-05-27T12:06:00.001-04:00

Excuse me , but I don't think that when they said Air Commodore they were referring to the entrance to the lavatory on the new Airbus A380.

2009-05-10T23:04:00.000-04:00

We are the knights who say Ni Amma. Thoo!

2009-05-10T01:21:00.000-04:00

Scotch Tape: For those who cannot hold their liquor.

2009-05-09T16:52:00.002-04:00

Look look, Appam Chutiya is at it again
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Potpourri/Leave-me-alone-Daisy/articleshow/4491005.cms

Confucius say: Closed mouth gathers no foot.

2009-05-05T01:56:00.001-04:00

One of reasons that have been put forward for the KKR's dismal performance is, hold your breath (you will see why), Swine Flu. Well what do you expect, when the owner is such a "ham".

2009-05-04T13:52:00.001-04:00

I knew they could find the self destruct button if they looked hard enough. Back to their old ways?

2009-05-03T17:30:00.000-04:00

Check this out!

2009-04-28T18:30:00.003-04:00

IPL

Just when you thought the ~~crooks~~ organizers of the IPL had discovered every single way top advertise including Citi moment of success (Citi and success? Didn’t they get a bailout recently?) or DLF maximum (In this economy more like DLF minimum) they strike again. New modes of advertising include

- Whenever Tendulkar does his trademark crotch grab, commentators are to scream. Lux cozy yeh andar ki baat hain and sing Khujli karne waale B-Tex lagale.

- Whenever the camera pans to Sreeshant doing something silly- That moment will be brought to you by Kohinoor condoms, if his parents had used Kohinoor, none of this would have happened. Sreeshant is also brought to you by CRY.

- Every time a South African fast bowler playing for Vijay Mallya’s team is dismissed, that moment will be brought to you by Surf Excel…Excellent for removing Steyns.

- When we see Akash Chopra scratching around for his 6 runs, ~~that moment~~ those moments will be brought to you by Itch Guard.

- Jesse Ryder will be brought to you by Alcoholics Anonymous and VLCC slimming center.

- Symonds by the Department of Animal Husbandry, Dairying & Fisheries. Animal Husbandry? Isn’t that more of a Kiwi thing? They love their sheep you know, those Kiwis. Associate sponsors will be the Jane Goodall Institute for primate research.

- The fake IPL player brought to you by Subhash Chandra.

- Perennially excited commentators brought to you by Red Bull. (He ran it down to third-man and picked up a single!!!!!!! What a shot!!!!!!! You beauty!!!!!.)

- John Buchanan by National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences (NIMHANS)

- Muralitharan’s bowling action brought to you by the hot and spicy barelylegal.com

- Dada will be brought to you by The Shah of Iran’s fund for deposed leaders.

- Arbit loser kinds who will never get a game are brought to you by the Make a Wish foundation.

- If Steve Bucknor had been umpiring he'd have been brought to you by L.V Prasad Eye Institute.

Edit: All match fixing scandals brought to you by Satyam Computers, associate sponsors Maytas.

2009-04-28T14:25:00.001-04:00

"You'll get laid when pigs fly" she said. "Well" he replied "haven't you heard of the swine 'flew'"

2009-04-13T15:03:00.002-04:00

How does one alleviate homesickness? By doing the following

Wake up at 11am on a Sunday. Listen to FM music channels from Hyderabad. Get ready. Go out to lunch at a local Dosa place. Share appetizers with friends namely (the snacks that is, not the friends) Mirchi Bajji, Samosa and Cutlets. Move on to Masala Dosa and round it off with kulfi and nice filter coffee.

For dinner one should then eat Biryani from "Paradise"

Then one should watch old episodes of M*A*S*H talk to friends online and go to sleep.
The rest of the week should be much better.

And yesterday the temperature fell below 0 C. April my arse.

2009-04-12T02:03:00.005-04:00

Late night/Early morning.

I have only 5 submissions, 2 exams, a poster and a presentation coming up in the next few weeks, How do I spend my "free" time? Playing pool and drinking beer. Sigh. What priorities I say!

I am sitting in my room. The heating is off. It is April for heaven's sake.It is cold. As I exhale with force, I can see a cloud of condensation form . This is not done. This is not my April. My April involves, blinding heat. It involves hot dry winds blowing into my already hot room, bringing in the Telangana dust. This dust that collects on my oily forehead, and when i wipe my brow, it feels like im being sandpapered. It involves, cieling fans that push hot air at you, the smell of coolers, the fragrance khus-khus mats just wet. It involves sudden showers, with that amazing smell of moisture on parched earth. My April involves mangoes.

I want my April

2009-04-11T16:16:00.001-04:00

2009-04-10T19:23:00.005-04:00

Flashback to 2007, when the Indian cricket team under Rahul Dravid, won the test series in England. Dravid did not enforce the follow on and the final test was drawn, Kumble scored a century though. I remember watching it in my father's club while having a nice drink and eating masala peanuts.

Cut to 2009. In the third test against New Zealand. Our "aggressive" captain did not declare in time, and we drew a match that we could have won.

Who do you think got more flak for being defensive?

On an unrelated note: Thought for the day. Too many kinks spoil the brothel.
Sigh. This is what happens to your alleged mind if you stay awake till 5 ack emma to write papers.

2009-04-10T11:40:00.001-04:00

It has been brought to my notice that the Phrase Good Friday is actually a corruption of Guddu Friday, today is the day the Easter Bunny goes around hiding eggs.

2009-04-03T23:03:00.001-04:00

An old one

Sa Re Ga Ma toh Dara Singh kaun?

2009-03-30T22:38:00.004-04:00

From here

by Anwar Ali Khan aka Khamakhan.

Nai bole toh sunte nai
Dekho kitta samjha’roun main
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Apni man maani tum kar’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai

Karne ke jo kaamaan hain so
Jaise ke wai si-eech hain
Nai karne ke kaaman kar’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Mo po make-up thhoppte jaa’raen
Umar ke peeche mat bhaago
Gayi jawani phir nai aati
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Unke baalan rangte rangte
Mu bhi kaala ho gaya
Bacchhe dekh ko darr ke bhaag’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Baalon main chutla jode to
Banta hai sir ka jooda
Phir bhi baalaan “set” karwa’raen

Nai bole toh sunte nai

Unke baalaan “set” ho ne tak

Mere sir mein ginti ke
Hain so baalaan jhadte jaa’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Charbi chaat ko duble dikhne
Ek hafte se “diet” po hain
Chalte phirte dhakliyan khaa’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Mere ghar mein reh ko baataan
Amma bawa ke kar’rain
Yaan ka kha ko waan ka gaa’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Dubai nai to Jidda jaa-o
Kaisa bhi yaan se nik-lo
Uth-te baith-te bheja khaa’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Din bhar kaam se thhak ko aayon
Chumtiyan mat lo sone do
Suba jaldi uth nai sakta
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Pehle ghussa aata thha toh
Mu mein mu mein bolte thhe
Ab to seedha aang po aa’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai

Gande gande picture-aan dekh’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Naani ku i-story suna’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Phode pe joh jam gayi khipli
Naakhun se nakko nocho
Purane zakhmaa taaze kar’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Bichhu ke kate ka mantar
Yaad nai aur oopar se
Saanp ke bil mein ungliyaan kar’raen
Nai bole toh sunte nai
Jab poochha samdhi se main
Kya samdhan ummeed se hain
Sharma ko bas itta bole
Nai bole toh sunte nai

and another

2009-03-27T09:40:00.001-04:00

Apparently Capt Ahab wanted to sue the whale for damages caused, but the lawyers told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.

2009-03-17T18:38:00.003-04:00

Ms Freeze tagged me

Using only song *titles* from one artist, cleverly answer these questions

So here goes: I choose: Simon and Garfunkel

1. Are you a male or female: I am a Rock.

2. Describe yourself: The Big Bright Green Pleasure Machine

3. How do you feel about yourself: Feelin' Groovy.

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Bye bye love

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: At the zoo.

6. Describe your current location: America.

7. Describe where you want to be: Homeward Bound

9. Your favorite color is: Leaves that are Green

10. You know : Mrs Robinson

11. What’s the weather like: A Hazy Shade of Winter

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M

13. What is life to you: A simple desultory phillipic

14. What is the best advice you have to give: You don't know where your interest lies.

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Richard Cory or how about The late great Johnny Ace.

I tag
the Sisters Vyas
Sushi
the bored sub
Cynic in Wonderland

2009-03-08T00:08:00.001-05:00

Russell Peters is in my town this weekend. I have two midterms on Monday! FML!

2009-02-17T23:40:00.001-05:00

Oh to be in England!

2009-02-17T00:17:00.002-05:00

Whatte dialogue!!! Oscar Winning!!!

2009-02-14T13:11:00.004-05:00

Ms Freeze . Tagged me.

To Get the 6th picture from your 6th folder
and to tell its story
and then, in turn tag 6 people.

Anyone who wants can do it.

The story is, one was out for a smoke, and unbeknownst to me a friend took a picture with his newly acquired shocking pink camera (which he later palmed off on someone else)

2009-02-11T21:39:00.001-05:00

Today we had a maximum temperature of 19 C!!!!