Hello all, have been loafing around in the Bay Area these last few days. Did all the regualr touristy things ...well some of them at any rate.

India gave me a parting gift. I left with a 103 fever. It was fun. I was hoping they wouldn't pull me off the plane in Shanghai for having SARS or bird flu or whatever. The last place I want to be stuck in is China. Well anyhow apart from that minor interruption made it to SFO and have been having a blast here. Err no not that kind of blast...I'm not from Al Queda Please don't send me to Guantanamo Bay. I don't even like Cuba. I don't want to be Al Quaidi. Help! I don't want to sing Guantanamo mera to the tune of Guantanamera.

One of the many things that strike me about the US.

The Political correctness.--They call a spade a farmyard implement.

The Bay Area has some amazing cars. Especially posh places like pebble beach. I just stood and watched as 3 cars whizzed by
they were a Ferrari a Lamborghini and a strech Limo. My eyes popped out of their sockets. This led my uncle to remark "Put those eyes and tongue back in they fine you for littering here:"

more later

Hyderabad Blues

This Blog will soon be coming to you from a different country! It feels strange. In a few days, I'll be uprooting self, and moving to the Umrika. So those of you on the east coast, with masochistic tendencies- do get in touch.at aforaustralopithecus(at)gmail(dot)com

Many Hyderabadi things will be missed such as

Deccani.

Late nights at C and F's

Good Biryani

Chatting away in NC till its late in the evening and the buses are so damned crowded you need to wait for an hour to get an emptyish one, all the time yakking away at the bustop over the amazing adrak chai at the bandi

Old Monk and Thums Up

Charminars

The original Charminar

Sitting around in Irani cafes for hours on end..and ordering one single chai and Osmania biskoot and smoking innumerable bada Gold Flakes. Saying things like Afzal bhai teen chote samose 2 Lukhmee 4 single chai aur sabko Osmania biskoot.

The random loafings around K's house in Secunderabad with R and M the insane times we had rolling with laughter in those dirty gallis . Like the time we were discussing sidey film titles such as Rajamhundry Rambha and Vayasu Pilustundi Raa, these three girls thought we were eve teasers. It was fun. Almost got into serious trouble, but just managed to realize in time and run away before their baap bhai log came to beat us up

Driving around aimlessly in the Cantt.

The odd combination of the smell of stale beedi smoke, unwashed bodies, malle poovulu and toddy. Thats the smell of the bus that took me home.

The fact that you could walk into a restaurant at 1630 hours and have lunch!

The smell of mirchi bajjis frying on rainy monsoon days.

The time space distortion that you have here. When you ask anyone for directions, they will invariably say, (no mater where you are and where you want to go), seedha chale jao.
WRT time we should look at the terms Parson. and abichaatoon. When a Hyderabadi says parson he doesn't mean the day before yesterday, he or she means any date from yesterday to the time when Mehboob Pasha became the Nizam. When a Hyderabadi says abich aatoon and goes away the probability of not seeing him again is very high.


This list is endless. I shall keep adding. You had better keep reading

Ramblings- Episode 1-Gaur se suno (or) How to warm your trousers on a cold day

It has been a crazy few months.

It all started with the job. I hated it. Well that's not entirely true. I liked the job. I just hated my boss and it did not help that many of my colleagues had the IQs of dead newts. So I chucked it and went loafing, apparently I also chucked sanity and went mad. How else would I do a road trip 500 odd Kilometres each way, across Tamil Nadu in the middle of May, not the very merry month of May let me assure you. They said "only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-May sun" (to bastardize a phrase). The last time I checked my passport, it said Republic of India so I guess all I have to say is..woof woof growlll.

So we went Chennai-Pondicherry-Trichy/Srirangam(where we had amazing lunch both onward and return journey)-Dundigal- and hold your breath...Kodaikanal. So you see, there was method to this madness after all. Spent a week or so there in this lovely 100 year old house, with a pear and plum orchard attached. There was a lot of birding to be done, saw quite a few exotic species. The highlight of the trip of course was to be the encounters with the Gaur.

So here is how it happened, to borrow words from Monk.Early one morning, I was running around the Sholas trying to invade the privacy of a Black-and-orange Flycatcher (Ficedula nigrorufa), when I reached a small valley, the end of the road for the chase, but then we had binoculars, so we played paparazzi, without a camera for a bit, before I was politely interrupted by a low grunt from behind. I turn around to look and see this massive specimen of Gaur, standing a few feet away, looking apologetic for ruining my morning birding. However, the rest of his herd, all ten of them, weren't looking quite so apologetic. I was screwed, to put it politely, It was perhaps a good thing that I had answered Mother Nature's call just a few moments before this event, otherwise there would have been an addition to the groundwater levels of Periyakulam down in the plains.

Stuck between a herd of wild animals and a valley and all I could think of were sidey jokes like Gaur farmaiyie and Gaur se suno while simultaneously freaking out. somehow managed to walk away edging along the valley and scooting while they were looking for leaves to eat. When I got home, I found that the Gaur had already been there looking for me, and in the process had trampled all over the flower beds.


Update: I have just been informed that Rakhi Sawant once said something like "Insaan nahin to kya saand peeche padenge” I guess I should be happy, insaan nahin to kum se kun saand to peeche pade hain

Life comes full circle.

When I was a kid, Inflation was in double digits, Ramayana was on TV and a man named Subhash Gising was leading agitations for a separate Gorkhaland.

20 years later.

Inflation is in double digits, Ramayana is on TV (sans that painful Arun Govil) and people are agitating for a separate Gorkhaland.

mixed meta-fours

This post was written in the immediate aftermath of the IPL. So it is a little dated. Tazaa maal will be up shortly. Pliss to bear with me. If you are hot, single and of the female persuasion, you can bare with me as well, I won't mind one bit.

The IPL had more of an impact on me than I realized. Even a week after it was over and done with I still had a vague feeling of incompleteness at 8pm every evening. To get rid of this feeling I consumed copious quantities of a beverage similarly named.

One of the biggest impacts of the IPL has been., no I don’t mean ball hitting bat (vice versa actually) , spectators in the crowd, or even the amount of money spent. I mean the commentary.

Yes ladles and jellyspoons, this is the age of marketing ..and of low attention spans. So various commentators, I can't remember who, I wasn't paying attention (I did say it was the age of low attention spans) , It was mostly L. Sivaramakrishnan and gang who kept shouting "thats another DLF maximum" time and time again. If I hear anyone say it one more time I'm going to take a DLF maximum bamboo and shove it up their.....aah..Damn! I said it myself. Its so deeply ingrained...maybe I should rush to see a shrink. Rush as fast as a tracer bullet? If I hear Ravi Shastri say that again...I'm going to run away faster than a tracer bullet. I understand that with so many boundaries its difficult for them to come up with new stuff, which is why I've decided to help them out and so should you...for your own sanity's sake- come up with new lines.

That's gone to the fence faster than...

... A Rolex dropped on the footpath.

...Ben Johnson running to the loo with explosive diarrhea.

...Shakti Kapoor running towards the abla naaris (did the ball say Aaooo as well?)

... the time UP Police takes to mess up cases.

over to you now.

This post has been cross posted on Sursuri
Sursuri will shortly be running a fun competition along these lines so check it out.




PS: Latest in Indo- Japanese fusion cusine. Chicken Terimaaki. Maybe someone should let Bhajji and Symmo have a taste.

Country...what?

A: So I quit baap.
B: Oho! now what it seems? What is plan of action now? velagiri?
A: Esss
B: You will become sadakchaap loafer re.
A: Amma! Don't call me sadakchap loafer. I prefer to be called a Roads Scholar
B: #$@%

Ford Escort or a GM Whore.

So, the other day I was in the office doing what most people who work for the government try to do. Catch 40 winks. To assist me in this endeavour was this horrible report my boss had written about a scheme serving a certain section of society in the rural areas. It was working very well lulling me into a nice little semi-doze...until I came to this sentence.

" Providing escort services to the beneficiaries for employment opportunities"

I burst out laughing waking up the entire office and new words were added to my vocabulary.Now that I was awake, I tried my best to register for the above mentioned scheme.Alas. I was above the poverty line(just barely) and therefore not eligible for this particular I'd have to get my own escorts I guess.

Now who exactly would you term as the beneficiary under the above circumstances.The user or the service provider?

Were Australopithecines Homo phobic?


The other day, while I was standing in a queue at a railway ticket booking counter, I chanced upon this notice that proclaimed
"For change of sex, age etc contact Railway reservation office Secunderabad"

So thats how the railways are making money these days. If one wants a sex change operation, no need to book air tickets to Bangcock...err I meant Bangkok, all one needs to do is to get to your friendly neighbourhood reservation office, before you know it Bobs your uncle...or aunt as the case might be.
(This is where the smart aleck type reader points out "But one is having a sex change operation how does Bob's gender change?".Smart Alec. Shut up or I'll have you shot once I take over the world.)

What about change of age? Is the railways into botox and all that as well? I only knew that the seats in the general compartments are very hard on some part of the body that sounds like botox, I guess you live and learn.

Who put the bump...err "mass" in mass media.


So some reporter was asking a friend of mine

reporter(on telephone): String quartet aa? Means? One person will play or band will play?
friend: (bangs head on table)

After some time, said friend, reports above incident to Ole uncle Australopithecus.

Me: Hau. bolna tha. One chap'll come, quarter maarta. Phir sab ki baajata. Do you want front row seats to be closer to the action?

PS: I'm avoiding work and blogging from office. Just wanted to let everyone know.

B: So, what do you do exactly?
A: Basically I commute.
B: What?
A: You've heard of Computer Professionals? I am a Commuter Professional.

Seriously folks, I spent at least 5 hours a day commuting. So by the time I get home, I have no enthu to blog or do anything other than eat and sleep (I need plenty of that).Did I mention I officially spend only 6 and a half hours at work.

KCR wants our dearly beloved Azhar bhai jaan (not to be confused by Azarbaijan) to become Hyderabad's mayor
see this article.

I can just imagine it. Azhar mian addressing a press conference.
Reporter: Sir, what do you think about the cleanliness in the twin cities.
Azhar: mumblemumbletheboyssweptverywellinfactimteahingthemthesweepshotgivingthemextrapracticeeveryeveningmoremumbling.

I have been tagged dammit! I've been asked to follow these allegedly simple instructions.
Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

Family eh? : Not too many posts about them. But this should do.

Friend(s): This post is an extract from one of the funniest conversations I've had. Spent three hours rolling around laughing all over M.G Road and Ramgopalpet. Great times.

Myself: The rest of the blog is pretty much about me. Take your pick.

My love: This one is easy...read this . My lou.

Anything I like: Sure. How about this then?I though it was quite funny.

Now comes the tough part. Volunteering bakras to do this.How about these people.

Non-Sensei,who is currently in far away lands, and hence cannot beat me up.
Head-Start, in revenge for ignoring me on IM the other day :P
Ganty. This can be an excuse for him to update his blog.And to see what the hell he does with it.
BoredSub : Just lathat.
And anyone else who wants to do this tag.That is you, you and you there at the back.

...or in sports brodcasting,the way they are dumbing down the cricket commentary etc. it's ashes to asses.

Gand Jalna-- Asses to ashes?

Apologies. No post since the last year eh. I've been generally traveling , on work. That's fun. Work took me to Shimla. I was forced to travel for 72 hours and 2000 odd kilometers to attend a 10 hour conference. Where I slept for about 8 hours. So, more waste of taxpayers money, and this particular taxpayers time...but Shimla was nice. Unfortunately all the daru dukans were closed during my stay ,elections and all.

Through the trip I was assigned the task of babysitting two female colleagues. One aged 30 odd (a PhD in some life sciences thingumjig) and the other 25 (a statistician) both older than I am. This was an ordeal it had its moments of hilarity and insanity and sometimes both rolled into one.For example.

At India Gate:
Getting out from an Auto, we see it in the distance, as we approach it PhD gets jittery
Babysitter: Arey kya hua?
PhD: No no, we should not go so close.
B : Hain!! kaiku? After dragging me all the way.?
PhD: "I'm scared".
B : "What of?"
PhD: "Suppose we go by mistake to the other side?"
B: (mystified..What is wrong with the other side) ...but still says. "Chalo chalo kuch nahin hota.! Main hoon naa."

All approach closer.

Phd: "Arey! Where are the Pakistanis?"
B: (forgive me I was a little slow so I was still mystified) "Pakistanis....In Pakistan where else..in places like Rawalpindi and Lahore."
Stats: "Lahore is in Pakistan aa?"
B: Splutter choke.
( Aah! but wait just a moment..)
Phd: "Where are the Pakistanis here?"
(Then it dawned on me...she thought it was Wagah!!!)
B: (Don't know if I should be laughing or crying)..with ill disguised tremors in my voice I ask. "Did you think that there was a border with Pakistan here?"
PhD: "Of course there is. Didn't you know?" ###
B: My mistake..Then I guess that building over there is where Gen. Musharraf stays.All the time i thought it was Pratibha ji (a.k.a the ghost whisperer), and it was the Pakistani army whose might is on display down that road every 26th of Jan....Pointing to some poor Gurkha rifles jawans who were hanging out there ".Look our Chinese brothers have also come to pay us a visit."



### The story is true upto this point. The last few lines was what was going through my mind at that point of time.

On same trip , I was harassed by colleague (aged around 30) who wanted to join the army, I told him realization struck too late. He then proceeded to bombard me with questions ,which I attempted to answer to the best of my knowledge. It was like explaining things to a block of set cement.After half an hour he asks me "so Subedar Major is senior to Major aa?"...At least the block of cement doesn't have stupid questions like this. So this is when I decided to have some fun. When the next question arrived I decided to amuse myself. No point explaining things to this idiot bolke.

Idiot: So Major will go in field aa?
Aus : Well. If there are no bathrooms around then he will.
Bouncer for idiot. Next delivery.
Idiot : Will General go in field?
Aus : Chi no! What will the troops say.
Idiot : (Now confused and exasperated.) Who will go in field then!!!
Aus : Field Marshall will go in the field man

Suddenly visions of old Sam Bahadur running with lota in hand through fields came to mind..almost fell out of the jeep laughing.

I not dead yet.

I have just got back from a whirlwind tour of various tribal villages over 2 districts in AP...No no I haven't joined the Maoists...yet. Doing some survey and all..Oh did I forget to mention..I am gainfully employed once again alas. but then they pay me to loaf and this time they gave me vehicle with "Govt vehicle" sticker on it....so we saved money in all the toll booths, as well as avoided stupid questions from small time officials like "You are Gormint?". No I am Australopithecus.

I am ill. This is what happens when you drink water in some vague tanda. This is how it happened. Here was man telling me how horrid the water was in his village. Then serves me one huge lota of same saline, polluted water with some fluoride thrown in for free. One couldn't refuse...also one was dying of thirst. So as I drank I said to myself. Here is your first sick leave coming.Sure enough....

Then there is another observation. While I was loafing one night in Khammam looking for a medical store..Well they seem to flourish there, so I picked the least sidey looking one and went. Interestingly unlike the city where they stock within easy reach the high selling items like Halls and what not. Here they had condoms , Ozomen capsules ( that is Sildenafil Citrate) and the I-pill. I had to wait in line to buy a strip of digene, behind three people who were all buying condoms. When I reported same to a friend he exploded.".Bloody bastards are getting laid in fucking Khammam, and here in a city of 30 odd lakh women I have to rely on the 'old faithful'"
Thats the problem maybe..they are 30 "odd" lakh women.

Ugh.I think I shall go throw up.
Stomach upset: the ends suffer because of the mean

Aisee Vani Boliye, Mun Ka Aapa Khoye
Apna Tan Sheetal Kare, Auran Ko Sukh Hoye
(original)

Aisee Vani boliye, Jo sabse jhagda hoye.
par aise kisi se na boliye, jo aapse tagda hoye.
(heard on TV)